The Ten Commandments of New (Sanctimonious) Parents

  1. Thou shalt not use formula. Boob shall be the word and the word shall be boob.
  2. Thou shalt make your own baby food. Even if you’re working full-time and have approximately ten minutes at the end of the night to yourself between making dinner, washing bottles, drying bottles, making bottles, cursing bottles and dreaming about bottles. You shalt take those pears and sweet potatoes and carrots and boil them and grind them and dole them out into teeny tiny individual ice cube servings. Then store them in precisely labeled and dated freezer bags. Then you must wash the baby food-making accessories. By this time it will be time for your child’s next feeding. Or the blender will have woken her up already.
  3. Thou shalt stay home with your children and be happy about it. Or work full-time and be happy about it. Either way, you shalt not feel torn at all. Happy is good. Smug is better.
  4. Thou shalt use cloth diapers. Do you know how much trash there is in this world? What about all those overflowing landfills? Who are you to be so selfish? Who cares if you have baskets full of poop and spit-up stained onesies waiting to be washed? That can wait. Everything can wait. You must be kind to your Mother Earth!
  5. Thou shalt lose the baby weight immediately. Kate Middleton did it, so why can’t you? What? You can’t afford a trainer and a meal-delivery service? You actually like chocolate and ice cream? You want to be happy and like yourself? How dare you?
  6. Thou shalt buy a mini-van. Immediately. On the way to the hospital, if possible. If you’re in active labor by that time, your husband can stop by after you get that baby out of you. He’ll have lots of free time.
  7. Thou shalt co-sleep. Unless people tell you that it’s dangerous. In that case, you should plop your baby directly onto a twin-size bed by himself as soon as you get home. None of this coddling “be near his parents or in a crib” stuff. Screw transitions. This kid needs to learn how to be independent right now.
  8. Thou shalt refrain from turning on the television in the presence of your child until they are two years old. Preferably five. Hell, why don’t you just get rid of the thing altogether? There’s no way it could teach them anything educational after all, like letters or numbers or sharing. Nope, Daniel Tiger is the new Freddy Krueger. Or so I’ve heard.
  9. Thou shalt take cute, flattering pictures of your children and post them on social media, along with witty comments about how wonderful your life is. Thou shalt never confess that said pictures all take place approximately five seconds before or five seconds after a massive tantrum.
  10. Thou shalt keep sugar out of the grabby hands of children until they have reached school age. Maybe even after that. Didn’t you know that the Devil’s favorite food is chocolate cake? Do you want your children to grow up to be evil demons? Do you? Do you? (Cake smashes on the first birthdays are the one exception to this rule. But after the camera is whipped out and the pictures posted on Instagram and Facebook, that sucker is going right into the trash.)medication-provigil
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